“I have good news and bad news,” not really what you want to hear your doctor say to you under any circumstances but even less so while busy undergoing the IVF roller coaster. Since I was however, already lying on the examination table staring at the sonar screen pretending to make sense of the black and white Rorschach blot artwork reflected there, he now had my undivided attention. My mind rapidly raced through a million fear-based scenarios, had the procedure been unsuccessful, was I too old, had I waited too long, was this another miscarriage, why had I wasted all that time dating Mr Wrong, but before I could fully embrace these thoughts, we made eye contact, and he continued. “You will need a new car,” he stated. My mind could not shift gears fast enough (excuse the pun) as my love of my Mini convertible fell under serious threat!  There was no time to articulate a defensive response as he continued with the words that have most changed my life. “You are pregnant with twins.” Holy cow, I needed a new car!

In that moment I experienced such a rush of emotion and simultaneously laughed and cried. At the time I felt this was one of the best moments of my life but meeting Reese and Jordan and holding them in my arms for the first time has trumped this emotional moment a thousand times over. That day as a single mom, I promised them the best of me and often expressed that I couldn’t wait for all they would teach me. (I interject with the reminder that you really must be careful what you ask for.)

On the 29 June two wise souls, entered my life, they have stretched me, shaken me to my core, awakened me and lead me to being the mommy I really wanted to be. I couldn’t have done it without them, but I would have appreciated a polite reminder that it is necessary to put my safety belt on before the ride commenced, and perhaps I should have packed more snacks!

Fast forward from the nervous excitement of driving home with two babies in the car to 15 gazillion nappy changes later, many sleep interrupted nights, feeding schedules, the joy of the first crawl, heart melting smiles, couch cuddles, supportive hands, advice overload, a Pandemic, a business closure and enough photos to warrant an upgrade to my online storage, my passage to being “mommy” was well underway. During this time of treasured and even sadly forgotten moments I experienced a wonder at my own ability to adapt, show up and do the impossible but was also taken by surprise that the “promised mommy” did not always show up as consistently as I had vowed. As a teacher of 20 something years with an amazing network of mentors I believed myself to be super equipped to be the mother I envisaged and was quite confused by surprise visits from this unexpected stranger. As were my kids.

In a moment while I sat on the floor picking up the pieces of my computer (the long story short is you should not leave your computer within reach of curious hands) feeling overwhelmed, stretched and depleted my desire to get to the heart of this and keep the promise I made was born in me. Another birth of sorts, just no Doctors or changes in cars this time.

I really wanted to explore who this other person was that I found had joined me on the roller coaster started in the Doctors rooms. Most definitely uninvited and unexpected. ”She” seemed to have bought her ticket in secret and unnervingly revealed herself in tipping moments, often when I felt totally exhausted and stressed. Not all the time, not every day but enough to make me curious, or more truthfully, furious about not feeling congruent with my promise. She certainly did not feel like the best of me and if I am totally honest not someone, I wanted to be friends with or have in my home.

My fear further stemmed from the fact that I had dispensed “good” advice to parents for many years, and had never been triggered by a child in 25+ years of teaching, but here on the floor picking up the pieces of the computer my discombobulated state was most unnerving and demanded investigation.

I faced big questions about myself as a mom, the triggers and behaviours that were not congruent with my desire as a mom. I wanted to understand. I needed to understand. I researched and entered studying with the Jai Institute, thinking if I had MORE SKILLS to deal with the problems my children present, I would be better mom. If I qualified as a parent coach THIS would let me feel back in control and fix the challenges at home.

The course and content was life altering. I walked away with many new skills, but this was merely bonus content. In the process of qualifying as a conscious parent coach I met the best Mom-Me. I experienced a transformative process that was profound and beautiful. A profound practice that has served me as a parent more than anything else I have done.  The coaching I experienced there empowered me to keep my promise to show up as the best me, more and more consistently. 

The roller coaster of highs and lows and subsequent emotional peaks and valleys that accompanies the round the clock thrill ride of being a parent only progresses in design, revealing unforeseen loops, sharp turns, death defying drops, inclines and twists and turns as time marches on. I realised Adrenalin, euphoria, exhaustion, terror, joy, love, happiness, sadness, fear and all their cousins (a buffet of relatives that keep families interesting) climbed on board that incredible day as the Doctor shouted “all aboard,” invited or not, patient companions waiting to raise their voices as I hurtle, far more prepared now (I pack snacks) towards that place that I never imagined in its full entirety. Motherhood.

This is my journey to that promise, to be the greatest version of the greatest mother I ever had for my daughters. To be able to look myself in the “heart” and know that I showed up. Reese and Jordan, YOU are the reason. I believe that one day you will be able to say, “how well I have chosen.” I love you.