Wednesday Friends - My Village People
After becoming a mom, the enjoyment of spending time with a friend and partaking in uninterrupted conversation feels like the taste of a first bite after fasting. Though in this case it was Halloumi salad, with olives, pomegranate, and a secret sauce that leaves your mouth watering (and I am not actually a salad person). The deliciousness of an evening out is made all the sweeter not because of the Italian ice cream that will be consumed after the meal (that you don’t have to share) or that someone else is doing the cooking, but because of the opportunity for rich and complete conversation. Unlike its fractured counterpart that takes place during any other conversation you will ever attempt again with your child in the vicinity, noticing your diluted attention.
Time to listen, laugh, share life, and be present in the stories, challenges, and experiences that have marked the moments between visits quickly slips away, despite best intentions, as the new chapter begins. How quickly this loved community becomes collateral damage when we become a mom. Completed conversations and dinners out (anything out without kids) are pushed aside under the chosen daily routines and responsibilities of motherhood.
Let me wholeheartedly interject here that I love being with my children. They are the most wonderful humans to be around, and I genuinely enjoy “us.” In the interest of further, total transparency, I will clarify that this emotion pervades 80% of the time we are together. The other 20% is a more dramatic scene filled with tears, arguments, tantrums, toys flying, squabbles, rejected meals, mess, laundry, sleep deprivation, and epic failures, and that is just my behaviour. Add the kids’ developing emotions to this equation, and it can be the perfect storm on some days.
It is in this chaotic blur that a more unwelcome friend often shows up in her finest attire and enjoys a starring role in the backlash and dramas that can come and go unexpectedly: GUILT.
GUILT is quick to grab any opportunity to take over my inner dialogue and point out my parental and personal failings. On this topic, she demands justification for daring to choose more time away from my children and consider an evening out with a friend. She quickly lists evidence to further her cause, pointing out the time I lose with my children at school, my work, exercise, extra-murals, sleeping, and any appointment that does not include them. The weight of the idealised
role of mother, with the help of Guilt, can pervade much of my decision-making around taking time out for myself until she is told (lovingly but firmly – I am a parent coach after all) to simmer down and take a “guilt-free” pause, with me.
From this space, I can confirm that playdates do not qualify as adult outings, and just as my children need their community, I also need my village people. (And yes, my mind did interject with an inspired visual of my friends dancing and singing in the musical of my life.) It was time to act and arrange a mom-ME dinner with my “Wednesday” friend. Fortunately, my children could deeply relate to the fun of being with a friend, and after a few preparatory chats, they waved kisses as I left, on board with the plan for the evening.
One gazillion words between friends later, I walked away from dinner towards the homeward drive, in a word, recharged. My inner dialogue made the mental reminder of how important it is to do this even if it means a late night. 9pm! Guilt was nowhere in sight. She had probably headed to the nearest night club. The only club I was headed to was club duvet. The Wednesdays are rare, but the gift of being seen and heard in complete sentences holds significant, long-lasting, reciprocal impact.
My life and parenting journey are made richer and easier by Wednesday, a generous witness as it turns out to the chapters of my story. Wednesday shared a quote over dinner from the movie “Shall We Dance.” It stuck with me, and I went home to find the quote because, although about the concept of marriage, it summed up beautifully why my tank was fuller, my laugh lines had new additions, and why I felt good at the end of our time together.
“We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet. What does any life really mean? But in a marriage (insert tribe), you’re promising to care about everything–the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things–all of it, all the time. You’re saying your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness. I’ve got your back.” – Shall We Dance
I felt good. I am not alone. It takes a village to raise a family. Find your people. Monday, Tuesday, it matters not. Meet with your “Wednesday” friend and experience the power of a real tribal community. You are not alone.
